Firstly, a Poem : I've tried to be creative and use different rhythms, and not tried to use humour, cause, here, it may've been of the "forced" type, here. :-)
A Visit to Hell
One fine (??) day, I went to hell
That's right, I was dead, as well
All was cold, dark
The colours, stark
And every place had a dying smell.
I searched far and wide, for relatives and friends
But obviously, before Death, they'd made amends.
And now I was here, living in fear
(Rather, dead, without tear)
Where was everyone, where was the sun?
Where was the life, and fun?
I guess it's loneliness, that hurts us most...
Instead of living/dying/lying here,
I'd rather be a ghost.
Come again? Isn't hell Pain?
Or, a mythical creation?
No, it exists... in desolation.
Comments, as always, are welcome. :-) I hope I'm geting better at serious + creative poetry.
Reality Bites
The other day, I was chatting with a friend from overseas. After some time, she said that the chat made her feel I was "real". She meant that I never really talked about everyday things, and talking about them this time gave me an air of reality... (which isn't always possible over the net).
That makes me wonder... I post limericks, my thoughts on some important issues, etc... but then, don't I remain true to my name, Anon-ick? Do I seem a real person? I think not.
So, I've decided to be more personal. I will comment on large issues, but I feel real life, common life, is more important and interesting. Or atleast I will try to make it so. Do tell me what you think of this idea of mine. I never did imagine my blog would one day become personal, cause I never read personal blogs... but I think it is important it does... and I'll try to read other personal blogs. The poems, and "worldly" thoughts will remain here too, of course. :D
You read the blog by Anonick? Why?
Now I know what you think (sigh)
World issues? "Bah"
Only Limericks? "Gah!"
"Hell, I don't even know if Anon's a guy!"
That's what an impersonal blog does...
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brilliant poem, man, i can't say about rhyme and rhythm, but i know a great poem when i see one. Thought it had an air of lonliness though, idon't know whether it was expressed.
ReplyDeleteAdding a personal touch to one's blog is always nice, makes a visitor 'feel the blogger', if i may put it that way...
It gives a wider perspective to our view of the world, when we look through the eyes of another person.
Lol! I loved that limerick and I like your idea of being more personal in your blog (wow! it's evolving :P) it will indeed make you seem more real :P
ReplyDeleteAnd you always seemed real to me :)
Hahaha, the last limerick is classic, I love it ^^ Also, there's a difference between a personal blog that makes an effort to directly relate with issues/interesting topics, and a personal blog that simply tells what's been happening in that person's life, giving others something to relate with. Your comments would fall under the former, which is a very admirable thing to do (I do the same thing, somewhat).
ReplyDeleteAs for the poem at the top, the variety's nice, it adds life to the poem. The last stanza is really good, I like it quite a lot. Certain parts of the poem may be a bit too plain-spoken, such as the stanza, "I guess it's loneliness, that hurts us the most... I'd rather be a ghost.". Try reworking it once, to give it a feel like this:
"The haunting emptiness hurts the most...
Instead of living/dying/lying here,
A better choice awaits: a ghost."
Just try to be a little less straight-forward; humour is more outgoing than seriousness ^^ Also, working little tricks in (haunting... ghost) always livens the verse. By the way, you're getting better, so your hopes are not for naught; keep at it~ After all, you haven't had much practice in this category of poetry.
(P.S. Try reading "This Old Poem" ["TOP"] articles at cosmoetica.com. I realize Dan Schneider is brutal, but he's usually right, as far as I'm concerned. Reading his critique en masse helped me to figure out what are no-no's [cliches, bad line breaks, prosey poetry, etc.] and what work well. He helped me to improve the technical aspects of my poetry much faster than I would have managed without help.)