Did you read the latest issue of the Yash Raj Journal?

Initially posted on facebook, and then a friend wanted me to post it here too... :)


JYRF 37 (420)

A New Young Radical Model of the Meet-Cute Paradigm

Uday Chopra, Aditya Chopra, Yash Chopra

Abstract

The dynamics of the meet-cute paradigm have been explored a lot since early days of film. We construct a new, hip and fresh model of the paradigm which is gauranteed to work with the Youngistan of today. We demonstrate an effective implementation of the Item Number, Family Conflict (both inter- and intra- aspects) and Melodramatic Happy Ending within the new framework, gauranteeing that viewers are fooled into giving us their hard-earned millions of Rupees.

I. Introduction

The properties of the Meet-Cute paradigm within the Dramatic Love Story have recieved enormous attention since the 1970's in Bollywood [1], and even before within the Silent Comedy during the 1920's [2]. It was widely believed till the 1990's that no new grounds could be broken within this paradigm, and most work in the 90's concentrated on either the HLDoV (Hero Loves Daughter of Villian) model [3], either using the Action or the Melodrama mechanism, or the FHTL (First Hate Then Love) model (also known as the DDLJ model for obvious reasons) [4], work on which continues today. However, these efforts have started to turn stale, and a fresh look at the Meet-Cute paradigm is now warranted, especially within the framework of the Love Story. Previous efforts to appeal to the youth have gone in vain, and we develop a radical new model using the same old cliches, which we hope will find favour among the demographic that calls itself Youngistan[5].

II Methods and Realisation

Since our methods are to use the known principles and apparatus of the Meet-Cute paradigm to appeal to Youngistan, we use the following two packages prominently: Rocking Actingless New Bold Istylish Rishi (RANBIR)[6] and Divine Ethereal aEsthetic Plastic Indian Kingfisher Artform (DEEPIKA)[7]. They are not the most flexible packages, lacking several Emotive features [6,7], but we use them since they are among the most popular packages in use in the Meet-Cute community [8].

We first develop a tradition meet-cute situation on a train, using the Opposites Attract method, with DEEPIKA on the 'talkative, bubbly, borderline irritating' setting, and RANBIR on the 'contemplative, suave' setting (we tried other settings, but these seemed to work best with the given packages, which totally failed with other settings). We use some modules from the package Cultural Stereotypes[9] in this section, and end with a song (executed by Pritam Chakraborty[10], details forthcoming in Journal of Stolen Songs), with an out-of-place homage to the 70's work in this area being the inelastic collision of two flowers.

After the train section, we use the PF (Punjabi Family) model (since it is in favour currently, and lots of work is being done in the area [11, 12]) to raise a little dramatic tension and comical mishappenings (the PF being especially suited to this purpose) and interject a Bhangra Item number (this is completely original work, we could not find any references to a Bhangra Item number in the literature). The sequence ends with RANBIR and DEEPIKA being separated from each other, and starting to fall in love.

In the third act, we use the AF (Angry Father) [13] and IF (Idiot Fiance) [14] models to provide a bit of sympathy for our Hero (who our eyes too was getting a little annoying and a bit of a downer, and could only look good opposite the IF). The Hero then avoids the ES (Elope Scenario, looked upon as immoral by the readers of this Journal) and undertakes a Perilious Journey to be with the Heroine, and wins her back in the end (we extensively use the Melodramatic Finale approach here, as outlined in [15], and the results are outlined in the following section).

III Results

Our lead actor and actress, not to mention most of our crew, shed tears when they read the proposal for the present work [16] for the first time. The test audiences watching our trials were also immensely moved, although we cannot discount the biases caused by our paying them huge amounts of money to sit through the whole viewing.

We have been satisfied with the quality of work that RANBIR and DEEPIKA have put through, and the rest of the crew have also been satisfactory, but are not important enough to name here, except Pritam, whose very nice songs will be published in a forthcoming paper [17].

IV Conclusions

In summary, we have described above a new young model for the Meet-Cute paradigm. We used the most popular packages to give the model a fresh new feel. The fact that they are deeply in love after meeting for only a short while, the effective use of the PF paradigm, and the Bhangra Item number, will hopefully cause enthusiasm in the readers of this Journal. We hope to earn millions, especially since it is entirely made up of a mash-up of previous work on the subject, and designed to appeal to "Youngistan" [18].

The Authors would like to acklowedge the YRF Grant No. 128563 for this project.

V References

[1] Om Shanti Om, and references therein.
[2] Charlie Chaplin Collection (it's not expensive), Yash Raj Distributors.
[3] Sunil Shetty (then it was spelled this way) Movies Collection
[4] Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, of course
[5] Pepsi Public Relations guys, private communication
[6] Saawariya, also known as Blue Film (and sorry, I tried to come up with a less lame fullform for Ranbir, but couldn't)
[7] [1]
[8] Star Gold Sabsey Favourite Kaun, although we didn't really want to raise it's citation count
[9] Bombay To Goa
[10] Dhoom, and we didn't check anything else
[11] That Akshay Kumar punjabi movie we didn't watch
[12] Jab We Met, which is suspiciously similar to the present work, but we won't file a lawsuit
[13] Mohabbatein
[14] Lots of movies, but we can't recollect a single one right now, because they're all forgettable. But they idea surely can't be our own
[15] Karan Johar Movies Collection, buy it, buy it!
[16] Jo Dil Se Door Hain Woh Jaan Se Door Nahin, Yash Raj Productions internal draft
[17] Pritam Chakraborty, Journal of Stolen Songs, forthcoming. Was rejected by the Journal of Inspired Songs
[18] Pepsi, product placement again