01 December, 2008

To Laugh or to Cry

 Politicians unite for launch of RGV film

 01 December, 2008

 Top party rubber of the "ruling" "party" the Congress, the BJP and of numerous other wannabe parties united today for the launch of Ram Gopal Varma's forthcoming film on the 26/11 terrorist strikes in Mumbai, simply titled "27/11". On the podium together were seen former(?) Maharashtra CM Vilasrao Deshmukh (VD), The Honourable Prime Minister Manmohan Singh (MMS), A faceless lady in a black saree (SG, also known as High Command), wannabe PM L. K. Advani (LKA) and of course, Ram Gopal Varma (RGV, what else?), producer, director, and writer of the as-yet unwritten movie.

 After breaking of a coconut model of the Taj Hotel, the "leaders" fielded questions from the reporters.

 "Why did the former Dy. CM R. R. Patil not come to the ceremony?"
 VD: "He did not want to come to such an insignificant event. Bade bade industries mein chhoti chhoti filmein banti rehti hain."

 "Why did you think of making this film?"
 RGV: "26/11 is a socially important issue, the public needs to know about what went on in the minds of the terrorists. It is an issue that needs to be handled sensitively you see, and that is why, as soon as I heard the news, I went to the CM's office and requested a tour of the Taj immediately. I hoped to get there before all the dead bodies were cleared."

 "Why the name 27/11?"
 RGV: "The numerologists we consulted said that 26/11 was too inauspicious a title. You see, 2+6+11 = 19, while this is the 21st century, and since voodoo and wind chimes are incompatible, hence 27/11 is a better date. Anyway, the encounter was going on for 3 days, so even 28 would've worked. In fact, when I called the CM, seeing how important my movie was, he asked if 1/12 was a more auspicious date, and that he could prolong the encounter till then if it was."

 "Why did you choose to support this movie, Mr. CM?"
 RGV: "As RGV said, it is an important movie. Has any other government ever supported a movie on terrorists? You should be thankful to us. We'll provide RGV with all the necessary videos, you see."

 "Mr. Prime Minister, is all this shuffling in the cabinet because of a new sense of accountability in the government?"
 MMS: "Yes, yes. Everyone is accountable in this government." (SG is seen pulling MMS to a side, and whispering something in his ear.) "Oh, I'm sorry, not everyone is accountable, but most people are, yes. Besides, RGV wants to use actual leaders in his movie, and you have to admit Chidu looks much more suave than Shiv."

 "Mr. Advani, what did you think of RGV's movie?"
 LKA: "Well, of course it is an important project. Also, RGV said he was not making any movie on Malegaon which would distract him from this movie, and he won me over instantly."

 "Would you mind a little gossip, RGV, about the conclusion of your movie?"
 RGV: "Heh, I never mind a little gossip. The conclusion will be a little twisted, different from the real events. After the commandos kill the terrorists, they will also kill all the reporters who made their job so dangerous in the first place."

 "Mr. Advani, if we get back to reality for a little bit..."
 LKA, MMS and RGV: "But only for a little bit..."
 "Yes, yes. Who do you think is responsible for these attacks?"
 LKA: "Of course this government is. They go easy on Muslims, they make up stuff like 'Hindu terrorists', and..."
 MMS: "Excuse me. Remember the Parliament attacks?"
 LKA: "That was a Congress-Muslim conspiracy!"

 "Excuse me, gentlemen. But what is to be done about the security situation now?"
 MMS: "Oh, a committee has been set up. We're looking into it."

 "Mr. Advani, it seems this government was warned about the attacks six months ago."
 LKA: "Hah. But we knew about the Parliament attacks twelve months prior."
 MMS: "That's nothing. We knew about 26/7 two years before it happened."
 LKA: "Ahh! We knew about the Malegaon blasts even before you got elected!"

 Immediately SG and MMS jumped in joy and started the tango, but were interrupted by someone's phone ringing. It was Vilasrao. He said on the phone,"Oh, mi yetoy, mi yetoy." He bowed to SG and then to SP, whom we have neglected to mention. "Sorry, I am late for a Marathi cultural programme." He left in a hurry.

 LKA and SG started throwing desi sandals at one another, while the PM waited for SG's order to pounce on LKA at a vulnerable moment.

 Outside the building, people were throwing stones and shouting slogans for safety and security, and a new united India. The CM waved to them from among his Z+ security men, and left.


  1. That was very imaginative, and I daresay not as inflicting as it should have been, because they deserve more ridicule than what can be possibly meted out by the aghast nation. I particularly liked the one-upmanship on the prior info about the incidences. Hope the stooges read this.

  2. Engrossing, and precise. Just what the doctor ordered.

  3. well...was it intended? at one palce a question thrown to Mr CM was answered by RGV!
    But was good a read.